Liars Will Be Liars

If you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you know that I’m currently writing a book.  Did you need re-read that article?  Go ahead … I’ll wait!

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Great to have you back! Part of my story and why 8.2 million people won’t talk to me has to do with lying. Lying is such an interesting and insidious part of humanity.  What’s real? What’s accepted? What’s a “white lie”? Lying to make someone feel better? or lying to make yourself feel better?

Are you lying to hide, are you lying to lie to yourself?

Part of my past history is not only being a Jehovah’s Witness, but it’s also about living with a sex addict.  Yeah – I know, is it REALLY an addiction or is it just something someone says to “ok” their sexual behaviors? I’m not here to defend, analyze or criticize either sides of the coin on this one. I’m here to speak from my experience.  My full experience with this will be in my book (subscribe to my monthly newsletter to keep up with what’s going on and the release here).

My feeling (not clinical) is that you can have an addiction from anything.  You can be addicted to working out, you can be addicted to sugar, you can be addicted to alcohol and you can be addicted to sexual behaviors.  Here is what I know … when an activity you do hurts others, hurts yourself and you can’t (or don’t see why you should) stop – you have an addiction.  If you lie to cover up what you are doing over and over … you may have an addiction.

My husband had what I believe to be a sex addiction.  Sex addiction has many different forms.  I have a great resource for those that want to learn more on the subject from an expert.  Dr. Linda Hatch is not only a client but a HUGE personal resource for me on this subject and I encourage you to go down the rabbit hole on her site here: Sex Addiction Counseling 

She has many resources available including a self-test to see if you are a sex addict. You can also follow her monthly column on Psych Central here.

One of the things that I got caught up in with that relationship was the lies. Oh, the lying. It messes with your head. You are deeply involved with this person – by marriage, dating or however you are bonded to that person –  and you want so badly to believe them. Unfortunately, it never happens, the stories never pan out, or never fully make sense to you. You continually question, you continually look over your shoulder. You continually have to either try to prove them right or prove yourself right to AGAIN realize they lied. It’s a never ending battle.

The lies get to a point that they will (figuratively) hold up a spoon in front of you and tell you it’s a fork. When you say “no, it’s a spoon.” they will convince and gaslight you to believe it’s really a fork. You eventually get so tired of fighting – you finally agree it’s a fork – but you know in your heart it’s a fucking spoon! The lies beat you down, the lies make you question your sanity, the lies never end.  Ever. Unless they admit to a problem and get help.

The lies are not your fault. The lies are told to keep you. The lies are told to make you “happy”, which makes them happy. The lies are told to protect themselves. The lies are told to keep up their double life.

When I finally got the courage to leave my past situation with a sex addict, it was the lies I was left with.  What was true? What was false? … even your digging and finding out things can become your own addiction. You will always be searching for the truth. You’ll always be expecting a deceitful lie that you have to protect yourself from and it becomes consuming. It consumes you so much, other areas of your life start to suffer. In a way, even the act of keeping up on this area becomes your own addiction. If you leave the relationship and are left with figuring out what happen – the digging and going over everything in your head keeps going in it’s own obsessive addiction.

… and it never stops until you realize you HAVE to stop for your own sanity.

When I told people close to me about the problem of sex addiction in the marriage – the response was so very interesting.  I got, “That’s a thing?” and “What did you do to cause that?” Some people laugh at the idea. Be assured, for the spouse in this situation – it’s not a laughing subject.

The one that hit hard was “What did you do to cause that?” … it’s funny to me because if I had said he was an alcoholic … no one would have ever said “what did you do to cause that!” … “Didn’t you give him enough alcohol?”  Seriously.  The misconception of sex addiction is staggering.  Yet we watch TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” which showcases strange addictions of people in love with their cars and accept that type of behavior!  My Strange Addiction TV Series

I’m not an expert on this subject, but here’s what I know to be true from my experience….

  • The truth always feels good and lite in your body (listen to how your body feels)
  • Are you sick a lot around this person?
  • The truth is just that – the truth. You never have to question the truth or feel a weird absence of information
  • The truth is never answered in the form of another question
  • The truth is never answered with out the exact answer to your question
  • The truth never blames you
  • The truth never belittles or yells at you for confronting with the truth.

I had to learn a lot in my situation with this person. My last moment with this person was after a year of counseling and he “confessed” to indiscretions with a renewed sense of “let’s move forward” … with a lie. Yes, he lied in his “confession”. He was so lost that he no idea what the truth was anymore.  That was the moment I left that relationship on all levels.

One of the books I bought as a result of this situation was David Lieberman’s book “Never Be Lied To Again”.  It’s a great book that goes into the different types of lies people use. It talks about body language as well as reasons for the types of responses you get. This book was my eye opener for liars. It’s a great book and I encourage anyone struggling with lying on any level (work, relationships, staff) this is a great read for you.

Now … think that armed with all this information I’m invinceable? … nope – stay tuned!

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